Just Jokes...

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Older But Not Wiser

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spend
$15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she
stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the
clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the very same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise, I won't." she says.

"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

[hawkwood]

LOL, that was a funny one! I'll need to remember it. Any Ladies want me to guess Your age?

[MistressTich]

This is for the humiliation sluts....

Wife says to husband, “You make love like you decorate”, Husband replies, “What? Very slow and professional?”. “No” she replies, “I have to finish the bloody job myself!”

:lol::lol::lol:

Mz T

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Ohhh...ouch!

Lol!

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight
started....

************************************************** ******

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when
the fight started.

************************************************** *******

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, That
silver hair on your chest is proof e nough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** *******

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** *

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT
HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a
woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65mph with her face up next to her
rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds. And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my
electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim
and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an
important call. :mad:

Women drivers!!

[gazgow]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

[gregor2001us]

A mother can't bear to think of her son growing up and having sex, so she
spends his formative years carefully brainwashing him into thinking something
terrible will happen if he makes love. When it is time for "the talk" she explains
that women have teeth between their legs, and whether they want to or not,
will bite a man's penis off when he puts it inside. She even says that most
women don't even know this. The boy goes off to college, becomes a
dentist and eventually meets a wonderful woman. They fall in love and
get married.

On their wedding night the woman keeps trying to steer him into bed, but
the man keeps finding one reason after another to delay and do something
else. Finally she is at her wits ends and just blurts out what she wants.
Gently the man explains that he knows all about sex, and realizes she
can't help herself, probably doesn't even know what will truely happen,
but he doesn't want to lose his penis. She asks what he means, and
he explains that if he slips his penis inside her, she will bite it off with
the teeth in her vagina, whether she wants to or not.

Your wrong she says, women don't have teeth down there, but she can't
convince him. Finally, she takes all her clothes off, lies back on the bed
and spreads her legs wide. Look for yourself, she says.

The man slowly moves closer, carefully examining her, then stands up
and declares, "Well with gums like those its no wonder you lost your teeth!"

[gregor2001us]

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily through the ocean when they come upon a boat. On seeing the boat, the male says,

"Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's swim up under that boat and blow out really hard through our blowholes!"

The female says, "Oh, I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!"

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out, capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.

As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't it? Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the sailors!"

To which the female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but I'm not swallowing any seamen."

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

*groans at greg*

[submale]

LOL, Greg!

Apologies to anyone easily offended... if there are any here...

A ship docks after a long voyage and three sailors disembark, an Englishman, A Scotsman and an Irishman.

After a few beers they head for the local house of ill repute and are soon sitting in a comfortable house awaiting the gorgeous lady to call. When the Lady is waiting the Englishman elbows his way to the front and goes upstairs leaving the other two downstairs.

After a short while the Englishman descends the stairs looking very happy, if a bit shaky.... his two friends inquire as to what went on and he replies, "I gave her 50 pounds and she had me lie on the bed, she then placed five pineapple rings on my dick and nibbled and sucked each one off... she didn't leave a trace of juice."

The Scotsman, liking the sound of that takes the stairs three at a time and is gone a little while longer than his friend. Eventually he floats downstairs with the look of true love in his eye... eventually he regains his composure and confesses "I gave her 100 pounds and she put ten pineapple rings on my dick and licked, sucked and nibbled each one off before gently licking me clean."

The Irishman couldn't wait any longer and dashed upstairs. After a while the Englishman and Scotsman began to get a bit worried, the Irishman had been gone so long but eventually he skipped downstairs with a spring in his step his friends had never seen before. Beaming at them he admitted "I gave the young Lady 200 pounds, but try as she might she couldn't fit twenty pineapple rings on my dick, so she slipped ten on, one at a time putting chocolate sauce between each one, then she put cool white icing over the lot, sprinkled it with hundreds and thousands (Sorry, got no clue what they are in other countries) and decorated the top with a few glase cherries...." The Englishman and Scotsman were awestruck as the Irishman continued ".... and it looked so fucking good I ate the lot myself!"

[MistressTich]

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn't fantasize you're someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you're kinky.

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don't get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

For those of you interested in expanding your foreign languages...
How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages:

English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
lch Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar

Alabama
Arkansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Mississippi
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
parts of Indiana :

Nice Ass, Get in the truck

[gregor2001us]

FIH, Your last one reminded me of this one:

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

[MistressTich]

ONCE UPON A TIME, THERE WAS A FROG WITH A BRIGHT YELLOW PECKER. THE LITTLE FROG WAS INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSED BY THIS, AND WENT TO ASK MOTHER NATURE TO CHANGE HIS PECKER INTO ONE MORE LIKE A NORMAL FROG WOULD HAVE. WHEN HE GOT UP TO SEE MOTHER NATURE, HE TOLD HER HOW BAD IT WAS TO HAVE A BRIGHT YELLOW PECKER, AND ASKED HER TO CHANGE IT.
I M JUST MOTHER NATURE, SHE TOLD HIM. THE ONLY MIRACLE I PERFORM IS THE MIRACLE OF LIFE. IF YOU HAVE A PERSONAL REQUEST, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO GOD.
HOW DO I GET TO GOD? ASKED THE LITTLE FROG.
JUST GO UP THE ROAD.
THE LITTLE FROG BEGAN HOPPING AWAY. RIGHT BEHIND HIM, IN LINE TO SEE MOTHER NATURE, WAS A HIPPO WITH A BRIGHT BLUE NOSE. HE TOLD HER HOW BAD IT WAS TO HAVE A BRIGHT BLUE NOSE AND ASKED HER TO CHANGE IT.
I M JUST MOTHER NATURE, SHE SAID. THE ONLY MIRACLE I PERFORM IS THE MIRACLE OF LIFE. IF YOU HAVE A PERSONAL REQUEST, YOU HAVE TO TALK TO GOD.
HOW DO I GET TO GOD?
THAT'S EASY. JUST FOLLOW THE YELLOW PRICK TOAD.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

*groans*

[slaveman2]

fall's off chair,grabbing stomach,laughing at MistressTich's joke! need's a minute,lol! that was funny! ok,ok,i got one, horse walk's into a bar,bartender say's,hey! why the long face?

[gregor2001us]

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming"

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature"? Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears"

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid,look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?

Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[Jaberwocky]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing, nothing."
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.' "
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[Jaberwocky]

Superman was in the mood of some fun and joy. But one by one his friends are failing on him. Batman had a corporate meeting next morning, Spiderman was tired after saving his town, again, while dating Mary in the sametime.

Thus Superman is flying around all alone, till he spotted with his enhanced sight WonderWoman on a rooftop. And she was lying there naked, on her back, moaning!

No metal chastity belt could hold back Superman at that moment. And forget about all the moral standards, this invitation Superman could not pass.

Thus as quick as a bullet, Supperman flies towards WonderWoman, goes in, goes out, and is gone. Not even a proper "Ram Bam, thank you Ma'am".

A surprised WonderWoman asked: "what the hack was that?"
"No idea" said the Invisible Man, "But damn, does my ass hurts right now"

[daquiri]

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
---------------------------------------------------

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
-------------------------------------

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.

[gregor2001us]

Early afternoon. Husband is away, wife is having parallel entertainment. Wife and lover are in the middle of foreplay on the bed, when sounds from the door announce the husband's early return.

'Quick, into the bathroom,' the lady urges.

'But I'm naked...'

'No time for that, go hide!'

She shoves his clothes under the bed and dresses hurriedly. In walks husband. She tries to manoeuvre him out of the room to clear the escape route. No success. And of course he walks straight into the bathroom.

'Good afternoon sir,' says the man with the spray can.

'Good afternoon... may I ask what you are doing here?'

'Pest control, sir. I'm taking care of the moth problem.'

'I see. And why are you working in the nude?'

Surprised, the self-announced moth exterminator looks down at himself.

'Those little bastards!'

[daquiri]

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."

"That's true," said Paul.

"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"

"Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"

"Love line? No, from the calluses."

[slaveman2]

This is for the humiliation sluts....

Wife says to husband, “You make love like you decorate”, Husband replies, “What? Very slow and professional?”. “No” she replies, “I have to finish the bloody job myself!”

:lol::lol::lol:

Mz T


that's my mistress

[slaveman2]

how do you know when a dumd blonde has been messing with your computer? there is whiteout on the screen! lololol,double's over laughing! it's still funny! dare you to cum up with a better one!

[slaveman2]

what do you calla dog with no hind leg's and metal ball's? sparky!

[gregor2001us]

You like blonde jokes, eh....

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs, and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Texas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general .... and all in the name of humor."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells: "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little turd sitting on your knee."

[daquiri]

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs."

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

To which he replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Lololol, greg and daq!

[gregor2001us]

<smile>

Here's another blonde joke....

A young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.

The sign says: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, "Just follow the instructions." The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So, the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over." Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

[gregor2001us]

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I just didn't know we had a choice."

[Respectful]

Sorry for this, I am not good with jokes...

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
Cheese Sandwich: - $4.50.
Chicken Sandwich: - $7.50.
Hand Job: - $30.00.
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "indeed I am"
The man replies "Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

Respectfully tasteless

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

:lol::lol::lol:

[gregor2001us]

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van, complete with shag carpet, hanging beads, and big double mattress in the back. Suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, grabs the guy and throws him over her knee and yells out, "Oh big boy, now your going to get whipped!"

But the girl can't find a suitable object in the guy's van. The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, while not having any whips on hand, is resourceful and, in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and humbly hands it to the girl, who proceeds to whip him until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the guy notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

The guy is embarrassed but admits that, yes, he did. Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring you've got the worst case of van-aerial disease that I've ever seen."

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

:smile6:

[daquiri]

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate. Even before she has begun to remove her veils: *Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...

"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your complete lack of self-control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."

As Patrick leaves, the dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops: *Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the shower."

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...

[daquiri]

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look.

Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," the man stammered, "But I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts."

The burly gorilla is about to deck our poor guy when his wife appears and stops him. She pulls him inside and they discuss the offer for a few moments. Finally, they return and ask our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband says gruffly, "For ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's breasts."

At this the wife unbuttons her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hang free at last. Our man takes one in each hand, and proceeds to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This goes on for several minutes, until the husband gets annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growls.

"I can't," replies our awe-struck man, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demands the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."

[daquiri]

Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strike up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall completely open. She purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these boobs! They are full, don't sag, and they're all mine! My butt - it's firm doesn't sag, and has no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? Well, that was me!!!"

[daquiri]

What do you say to a virgin when she sneezes?
Goes-in-tight!

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker. (or me....)

KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product: "Y2K-Y Jelly: when you want to put four digits where only two could fit before!"

Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

My sex life is a disaster. Last night the Red Cross showed up with coffee and doughnuts.

What's the difference between medium and rare?
6 inches is medium, 8 inches is rare.

Is it wrong to have sex before you are married?
Only if you are late for the ceremony.

[gregor2001us]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, lookin' like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and walkin' with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit O'Conner?" says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you...he must'a had somethin' in his hand".

"That he did," says Paddy, "a damned shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it too."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

THE CHRISTMAS TREE SEARCH

Two blondes traveled several hours from town and walked deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree. They were warmly dressed from head to toe carrying their saw, hatchet and a rope to drag the Christmas tree back to the car. They had thought of every little detail planning this trip.

The blondes were quite determined to find the perfect Christmas tree. So determined, in fact, that they searched for hours trudging through knee-deep snow, blistering wind, and they weren't even distracted!

Finally, five hours had passed and the sun was beginning to set, so one blonde turned to the other blonde and said, "I GIVE UP! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! There are hundreds of beautiful Christmas trees all around us. Let's just cut one down, whether it's decorated or not!!"

[gregor2001us]

Good one, FIHs!! Reminds me of this one:

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[slaveman2]

so this dumb blonde walk's into an appliance store.after looking around she chooses a t.v. she like's.showing it to the salesman,he tell's the blonde"we don't sell to blonde's".so she goes home and dye's her hair brunette and return's to the appliance store.after showing the salesman the t.v. she wanted to purchase.the salesman said"we don't sell to blondes".furiated,she get's her haircut real short,has it dyed red,put's on huge suglasses and changes her wardrobe completely.heading back to the appliance store she again pick's out the beautiful t.v. she want's,show's it to the salesman."we don't sell to blondes" he say's. "how in the world did you know it was me" ? she asked. "lady" the salesman say's that's a microwave your trying to buy,and only a blonde would do that!!

[gregor2001us]

And to get back to the Christmas theme....

On the first day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
A cage with a lock for my cock

On the second day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the third day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Four locking cuffs
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Five ginger roots
Four locking cuffs
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Six panties from Her
Five ginger roots
Four locking cuffs
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Seven whips and floggers
Six panties from Her
Five ginger roots
Four locking cuffs
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Eight prostate massagers
Seven whips and floggers
Six panties from Her
Five ginger roots
Four locking cuffs
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Nine enema kits
Eight prostate massagers
Seven whips and floggers
Six panties from Her
Five ginger roots
Four locking cuffs
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Ten penis sleeves
Nine enema kits
Eight prostate massagers
Seven whips and floggers
Six panties from Her
Five ginger roots
Four locking cuffs
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Eleven tubes of lube
Ten penis sleeves
Nine enema kits
Eight prostate massagers
Seven whips and floggers
Six panties from Her
Five ginger roots
Four locking cuffs
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my Mistress sent to me
Twelve latex gloves
Eleven tubes of lube
Ten penis sleeves
Nine enema kits
Eight prostate massagers
Seven whips and floggers
Six panties from Her
Five ginger roots
Four locking cuffs
Three butt plugs
Two nipple clamps,
And a cage with a lock for my cock

[slaveman2]

so,mom's have mother's day,dad's have father's day. what do single guy's have? palm sunday!

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

:lol::lol::lol:

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Tequila Christmas Cake

Ingredients:

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... Just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat…..CHERRY MISTMAS!

[gregor2001us]

LOL, tequila eh.

I am more thinking about the night before Christmas....

Subs Night before Christmas Poem

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there.

The subs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of climaxing danced in their heads.
And Mistress in her bathrobe, and I in my collar,
Had just settled down while she pondered her flogger.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I was ordered from bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Domme in a sleigh, pulled by eight subs as reindeer.

The Domme looked exciting, so lively and quick,
I thought for a moment it must be a trick.
More rapid than eagles her coursers they came,
And she whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the subbies they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and the sexy Domme too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each subbies hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the Domme came with a bound.

She was dressed all in fur, from her head to her foot,
And her boots were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
A bunch of Adult Toys she had brought from her sled,
And she looked very menacing coming toward our bed.

Her eyes-how they glinted! Her smile quite severe!
She opened her coat and I could see her brassiere!
Her thong was all fur, as cute as could be,
And then I heard my Domme say "Come up here with me."

They spread me out and tied me tight,
And I cooperated, afraid to fight.
They took of their clothes and stroked my tense belly,
I moaned and I shook, like a bowlful of jelly!

My penis had gotten all chubby and plump,
And they stroked it lightly as I strained to hump!
A lick of the tongue, more stroking my twink,
Soon brought me in no time right up to the brink.

Neither spoke a word, just kept me edging,
And filled both my balls, until I was begging.
Then laying her finger across the top of my hose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney she rose!

She sprang to her sleigh, to her team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard her exclaim, ‘ere she drove out of sight,
"Horny Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Very nice, greg! It's too bad the various versions I'd posted of this same Xmas poem were lost when the new site came up.

[gregor2001us]

Yes, a shame to have lost HOK too. Let us lift a glass of eggnog in memory....





But I cannot leave a joke thread iwith that melencholy a thought, so


Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm cells to fertilize one egg?







A: They won't stop to ask directions.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

I will raise a glass to HOK!

I've heard this joke several times, greg, and it always cracks Me up 'cause it's sooo true in My house!

[gregor2001us]

<smile>

It does seem to be common and I have been guilty of it to.


Here is another that rings true...

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down andsquealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know -- I thought you were watching."


MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

*grins*
*This* is true!

[slaveman2]

yo' mama's so stupid she ate her food stamp's!

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

:smile6: :lol:

[gregor2001us]

Now to close out the year with a ... joke, what else? Many peole know the story of the Hunchback of Notre Dame, but few know what happened after Quasimodo died...

Many people know the story of Quasimodo, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, but few know of the tragedy that followed Quasimodo's death. The bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. Many applied over the days that followed, but no one could ring the bells with the beauty needed. Then one day an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms! How can you possibly pull the ropes to ring the bells?"

"I have learned to use my face," said the man, confidently. "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody the Bishop had ever heard. Indeed a crowd gathered below the tower, stopping what they were doing to listen, the music was so touching and beautiful.

The bishop listened in astonishment convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to the street where a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure. "What happened," asked the crowd as they parted to let the bishop through.

"Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell"

<but wait, there is more>

After a suitable period of morning, and despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless bell ringer, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop looked at the man, who was old and overweight and smoking a cigarette. "How can you perform the duties of the bell ringer? It requires great strength and stamina!"

"Please," the man pleaded, "You must let me honor his death by doing this great service! At least let me try!"

The Bishop reluctantly agreed to give the man an audition. The man began ringing the bells, but the sound was bad and the bells were not loud enough. The man, seeing the Bishops disappointment, increased his effort frantically. Suddenly, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around and died on the spot. The Bishop was stunned at this second unfortunate turn of events.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

*smiles wryly*

[gregor2001us]

Rancher's Widow

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!.........bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of
water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in a rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of England is 'L'.....isn't it ?

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call the Operator on 100 . 'duh'.....the phones only has 1 to 9 on the stupid phone!!!

[daquiri]

This Little Subbie

This little subbie went to the strip club (fun subbie)
This little subbie stayed home (bored subbie)
This little subbie got spanked (happy subbie)
This little subbie couldn't cum (without permission, frustrated subbie)
And this little subbie went "More Master More!" All night long

[mote]

A sub was given a dice for his birthday.
His Mistress said," If you roll 1,2,3,4 or 5 you can`t cum for a whole month"
What if i roll a six? replied the sub.
Then you get another go.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Fighter Pilot

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says,"Pierre, kiss me!"

Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing.

Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!"

She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep,Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,

"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!"

[Respectful]

Very good Four Inch Heels.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Can't claim creating it, but thanks!

[gregor2001us]

Ouch!!! lol, that was a good one, FIH.

And, keeping to the soilder theme...

A new soldier arrives in Afganistan. He is there for a few weeks in the dusty desert with only his fellow soldiers for company. Missing his woman, finally he asks a buddy. "So, what do you guys do for fun.. you know.." nudge nudge, wink wink.

His buddy replies "Oh, we use the camels." The soldier is mortified, and forgets about that for a while... but soon, his hormones are getting the better of him, so he asks another buddy. "We just take the camels!" is the reply. Again, he is sickened at the thought, but asks a few more soldiers, and they all reply that they use the camels.

A few more weeks pass, and finally, he is so horny, he can barely stand it. So one night, he sneaks out of his tent and goes to the camel tent. He drags a small step up behind one of the female camels, steps up and drops his pants. He begins to enjoy himself, when his superior walks in. "What on earth are you doing, soldier?!" he barks.

"Well, i was...err...the men told me *they* used the camels when they wanted a good time..." he stammers, embarassed.

"Yes, soldier, but usually we just ride them into town!" comes the reply.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

*groans*

[gregor2001us]

<smile>

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

GRANDCHILDREN

She was in the bathroom putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'

#####

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'

#####

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'

#####

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'

#####

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.

#####

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'

#####

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'

#####

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'

#####

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' She said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'

#####

Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'

#####

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.' A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.'

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log. "My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The Wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a bush. "My, What big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, now he's crouched down behind a rock. "My, what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and yells, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a shit!"

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

A blonde and a redhead met for dinner after work and were watching the 6 o'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet."

So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this one on the 5 o'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied, "Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

[gregor2001us]

lol, good ones FIH!

Speaking of blondes, has this one been told yet?

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Lolol!

[daquiri]

What do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
-----

What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use some lubricant.
-----

How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It ain't hard...
-----

This boy has just taken his girlfriend back to her home after being out together, and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"

"What? You're crazy!" she said.

"Look, don't worry," he said. "It will be quick, I promise you."

"Nooooooo! Someone may see us, a neighbor, anybody..."

"At this time of the night no one will show up. Come on, sweetie, I really need it."

"I've already said NO, and NO is final!"

"Honey, it'll just be a really small blowie... I know you like it too."

"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"

Desperately, he says, "My love, don't be like that. I promise you I love you and I really need this blowjob."

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown and her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes she says: "Dad says, 'Dammit, give him the blowjob or I'll have to blow him but for God's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom button so the rest of the family can get some sleep.'"

[daquiri]

lol, good ones FIH!

Speaking of blondes, has this one been told yet?

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.... either!"

yea, you did. hehe.

http://www.orgasmdenial.com/forums/showpost.php?p=27310&postcount=42

[gregor2001us]

oops.

Oh well, here something I think is new to this thread:

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.

"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her... He's naked as well! That bitch!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do
you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes "Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you
a grand here..."

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

A penny saved....

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting Flies," he responded. "Oh! Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, 3 males, and 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "how can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.":smile6:

[gregor2001us]

chuckle, good one. Reminds me of the one about the 3 samurai.

Seems there was a gathering in ancient Japan. the Princess was fascinated with the three Samurai that attended, reputed to be the best in the land. She decided to see which was the best. She asked the first Samurai if he was the best.

He modestly said he did not know, but would do a demonstration for her. He asked for silence and waited. The sound of a buzzing fly was all that the Princess heard. Suddenly, his sword leaped from nowhere and slashed the air. The Princess was amazed when the Samurai showed her the fly, neatly chopped in two.

After a time she approached the second Samurai, asking him if he was the best. He also modestly answered he did not know, but offered to give her a demostration of his skill. He too asked for silence and waited. After a short time, the sound of another fly was heard getting closer. Suddenly his sword flashed in the sun. The Princess was even more suprised to see the fly with its head missing.

This made the Princess intrigued to see what the third Samurai might do. She approached him and asked if he was the best. He also said he did not know, and stood silently. Suddenly his sword flashed and the Princess saw a fly beating a hasty retreat.

"So sorry, I see you missed the fly," she said lowering her head politely.

"Oh no," said the Samurai, "you do not understand. I saw no point in killing the fly, but it will not father anymore offspring."

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Lol...ouch!

[Respectful]

Too funny! Good one!

[slaveman2]

why is it that Ohio State's football feild went from grass to astro turf so fast?.........grazing cheerleader's

[slaveman2]

what do you call a pretty girl on the Ohio State campus?.........a visitor

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey koala! What are you doing?" The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!" So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.....How much water did you drink?!!"

[gregor2001us]

<groans>

OK, how about the real story of Adam and Eve:

Origianlly God created only Eve, there was no Adam.

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right.

How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you.... Let's see....where did I put that useless tit?'

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'im-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'im-peckable' tree, almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Respectful]

Four Inch Heels;

Is such a deeply philosophical observation appropriate for a section devoted to just jokes?

Actually, I love this joke. It is very, very good.

Hugs

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

:lol:

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of toilet-bowl cleaner. Total restrooms cleaned: 450

[gregor2001us]

chuckle, should have seen that coming...

OK, here is the world's only blonde guy joke:

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,


"Don't look at me. He made his own lunch."
_________________

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Lol! Don'tcha love dumb blonde jokes??

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Isn't it about time ye let the Catholics across?"
__________________________________________________ ______________

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "and how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really," said Charles, "now that's a switch! What did she say?" "She said 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'"
__________________________________________________ ______________
Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung
up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt, and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

[MstrsKitten]

Seamus Finnegan came hobbling into the neighborhood pub, one night, looking like he'd been hit by a train. He had a black eye, bruises all over him, one arm in a sling and walking with a helluva limp.

"Seamus," Joe the bartender said, "sure, an'you look a mess. What is it that's happened to ya?"

Seamus replied, "Ah, me and Sean O'Brien had a bit of a fight, that's all."

"A fight?" marvels Joe. "He couldn't have beaten you so badly barehanded--why, you'd make two of 'im. Was he by way of havin' somethin' in his hand?"

"That he was," confessed Seamus. "A shovel he had, and beat me with it he did, up one side and down the other."

"And you," asked Joe. "Did you have anything in your hand?"

"For a fact, I was holding Mrs. O'Brien's breast, and a thing of beauty, it was, but perfectly useless in a fight."


for your pleasure,
~MsK~

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

*chuckles*

[gregor2001us]

Goods ones!

And now, for something completely different....


Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

[MstrsKitten]

that should come complete with a rimshot!
~MsK~

[gregor2001us]

smile.

Hers is one I just found:

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, 'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[MstrsKitten]

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I
want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated
their women on earth and the other line for the men that were
dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St.
Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone
and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by
their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated
their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look
at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn
from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in
this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

:lol:

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting with St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful,
blood-curdling screams.

'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'she's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter. 'you'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that.'

[gregor2001us]

lol, good one!

Heaven sounds like a strange place....

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says
"We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step on the ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
"Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on very tall, tan, muscular, and with LONG good hair and AUSTRALIAN. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Good hair AND Australian?? Wow! :lol:

[gregor2001us]

And speaking of Australia, did you hear the one about the Texan visiting the land down under?

Seems he went on a tour and everywhere he went he talked about how much bigger things were in Texas. Bigger ranches, bigger airport, bigger horses, bigger deserts, bigger buildings....

Finally, while touring the outback, he happened to see a kangaroo go by. He was quiet for a bit, then shrugged and said, "Well, I have to say, your grasshoppers are a lot bigger than ours."

[MstrsKitten]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks...

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Lol...I like those!

[MstrsKitten]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you
remember the first time we had sex together over fifty
years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you
leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there
again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth
listening to all this, and having a chuckle to
himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows
them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks Finally they get to
the back of the tavern and make their way to the
fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence,
the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the
watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for
about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and
moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse,
panting on the
ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned
something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and
put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly
amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their
secret is.

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but
that was something else. You must've had a fantastic
sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to
this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an
electric fence." :smile6::icon_smile:

[Respectful]

Wow, who said that Mistresses can't have a sense of humour! Long live teasing women who make guys laugh through their tears! Thank you!

[MstrsKitten]

Respectful, you are most welcome! Here's another to tickle your funny bone.... or any other bone that needs tickled... ;). This is an old one, but still a good one I think....
~MsK~

Internal Revenue Service



The IRS sends an auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue. The auditor does all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I notice that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.

So he decided to try another question, in his weasely little way.

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "we actually save the crumbs and send them back to the manufacturer in a box, and every now and then they send us a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, stumped again, and now thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions? "

"Here too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins. And when we have enough we actually send them to the Internal Revenue Service."

"Internal Revenue Service?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Yes," replied the Rabbi, "the Internal Revenue Service. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[Respectful]

Guilty laughter :-) Thanks!

[gregor2001us]

lol, good one Mistress Kitten!

Have you ever heard this one? It is an old one as well.

A Rabbi, Priest, and Minister were good friends from high school and still lived near each other. They had a habit of having lunch together once a month. During their lunches, they would talk of many things. One day, their conversation turned to how they handled the money that they collected from their congregations.

The minister spoke first. "In my office," he said, "the floor is tiled, and the tile has a pattern of a rectangle in the center. I go into my office and toss the money up into the air. Whatever lands inside the rectangle I put in the church funds, whatever lands outside the rectangle, I keep for myself."

The priest laughed and said, "I see that great minds think alike. My office floor also has a pattern in it. In my case it is a triangle. I too go there and toss the money into the air. The only difference is that I keep the money that lands inside the triangle, while the money that lands outside the triangle I put into the church's coffers."

The rabbi smiled and said, "What an amazing similarity! My office floor has the Star of David embedded in it. I too bring the money into my office and toss it in the air. The only difference is I figure whatever God wants he will take, so I keep whatever lands on the floor."

[MstrsKitten]

Sam died, and his will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Sam's wife turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Sam would be pleased."

"I'm sure you're right," replied her friend, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. "Tell me, how much did it really cost?"

"All of it," said the wife. "Fifty thousand."

"No!" the friend exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but really...$50,000?"

The widow nodded. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi's services.
The shiva, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend computed quickly. "$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey! How big
is it?"

"Five and a half carats"

[Respectful]

Oh no! A robbing the dead joke! Very funny though Mistress Kitten, as usual :-)

[MstrsKitten]

Thank you, Respectful, always happy to help.....

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a
check. She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a
rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She
looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then
realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great
...... just great. Some asshole's got my pen."


(I did give fair warning!)

[Respectful]

Mistress Kitten;

On a really big spreadsheet I can imagine how something like exchanging a pen for a rectal thermometer would have a ripple effect. In such a world will society prefer real life nurses, or "just in time" damage contol via Exel?

Respectful musings

[MstrsKitten]

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."
:smile6:

[MstrsKitten]

NIGHT CLASSES FOR MEN

Classes for Men at our Local Learning Center for Adults.

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their
contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants
each.

TOPIC 1 -
How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by step, with slide presentations.

TOPIC 2 -
The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders?
Round table discussion.

TOPIC 3 -
Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat
Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group practice.

TOPIC 4 -
Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

TOPIC 5 -
The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly
into the Kitchen Sink?
Examples on video.

TOPIC 6 -
Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Help line support and support groups.

TOPIC 7 -
Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right
Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open forum.

TOPIC 8 -
Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health.
Graphics and audio tape.

TOPIC 9 -
Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost.
Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 -
Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel
Parks?
Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 -
Learning to Live: Base Differences Between Mother and Wife.
On-line class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 -
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 -
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays,
Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You're
Going to Be Late.

Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.*

* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the
few survivors. *

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Lolol...where do I sign My hubby up for a few of these??

[Respectful]

What a wonderful ciriculum. I had no idea there were answers to some of these deep questions. I really look forward to resolving the mysteries of the toilet roll fairy. I especially like the multi media approach to teaching offered here!

Sign me up!

[gregor2001us]

There is a companion list to that one, you know...just saying.

CLASSES FOR WOMEN.

Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. Learning about the Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Man Management: Recognizing that Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

4. Bathroom Management 101: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

5. Bathroom Management 201: Toilet Seat Operation

6. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

7. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking

8. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

9. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

10. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

11. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

12. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. Television 201: You too can multi-channel watch

[MstrsKitten]

Gregor.. thank you for sharing that. I had not seen that version of it.... hummm... maybe because I don't need those classes..... :smile6: nah.... that can't be it! LOLOLOL
~MsK~

[gregor2001us]

Glad you like it. I had seen both at once when I found them. Here is something different...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
------------------------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

My one day employment:

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.......

About two hours into my first day on the job, a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7... Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

So I replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am. I just couldn't believe you got laid twice! Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, 'What the heck, I'll try it.'

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.

Finally, he realized his solution! On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath, as if examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes, and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and asked, 'What?' He heard a stern voice reply, 'This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?' The man replied, 'I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted.'

The cop says, 'Well, you'd better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago.'

[PrincessChristie]

A man and woman finish having sex. The man stands up and tosses his boxers to the woman. He says put those on. She does and they fall right down. He says now you know who wheres the pants in this house. She says ok and tosses her panties to him. Put those on she says. He tries and can't get them past his knees. He says I can't get in these. She says and you never will again if you don't change your attitude.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and
give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

[Respectful]

Four Inch Heels, this deserves to be in the Just Truth section! LOL

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

:lol:

[MstrsKitten]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So...what'll it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let me see that freakin' map again."

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

*groans* Although...My hubby has all but one of the requirements.

[MsCat]

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there," and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

[MsCat]

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, 'Well, we Greeks built the Parthenon,' arching his eyebrows.

The Irishman then replies, 'Well... it was the Irish that discovered the summer and Winter Solstices.'

The Greek retorts, 'We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.'

The Irishman, nodding in agreement, says, 'Irish were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.'

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, 'The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!'

The Irishman replies, 'Aye, that is true, but it was we Irish who introduced it to women.'

[MsCat]

A young man goes into the Employment Center in St. Louis, and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?", he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they ' re ready for the gynecologist ' s examination.

There ' s an annual salary of $65,000, but you ' re going to have to go to Seattle, Washington ."

"Good grief, is that where the job is?"

"No, sir. That ' s where the end of the line is right now."

[MsCat]

In the confession room

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '$ 250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Man - 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'

Boy - '$ 750'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'

The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins!'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

[Respectful]

The reason us guys are so quiet is because you ladies are too funny to compete with!

IROFL at your collectively inspired humor!

[MyBallsAreBlue]

MsCat,

Love the priest one! Had me in tears.

[jay_g]

This man was sitting around his house alone on his 80th birthday, waiting for the last hour to pass before his family arrived to throw him a party, when he was surprised by a knock at the door. when he answered it, there was this gorgeous 20 year old coed, the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She says to him "mister, this is your lucky day. your friends all chipped in for me to come over and visit you. I'm here to give you super sex" The man says "I'll take the soup".

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals -- a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding which pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin --and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned, and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:

"DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK, BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"

[slaveinstockings]

A man walked into a bar and said "ouch!"

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

:roll:

[slaveinstockings]

So this rope walks into a bar and is quickly turned away by the bartended, who says "hey, you're just a length of rope! we don't serve your kind!". The rope walks outside, messes his hair up a bit, and walks back into the bar. The bartender says "aren't you that same rope I just told to scram?". the rope says "nope, I'm a frayed knot!"

[simpleton]

A boy was sent by him mum to the farm to buy a suckling Pig.
she gives him the money and tells him "mind it is only 10 lb in weight no more no less".
He goes to the farm to buy the pig, he sees the farmer in the pig pen and runs up to him to tell him what he wants.

The Farmer immediately picks up the closest pig and suck its dick. "no only 8lb" same with the next pig "no thats 11 lb" he picks up a third pig and sucks its dick then says "exactly 10lb".

The boy offers the farmer the money but the farmer refuses he tells the boy to go and pay his wife at the big house. After about 15mins the boy returns with the money.

"Sorry I could not pay your wife" the boy explained "she was weighing the postman".

[slaveinstockings]

A duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk to sell him som chap stick. The clerk asks "how will you be paying for this, mr duck?". the duck simply replied "put it on my bill!"

[simpleton]

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a burger.

The bartender says "Sorry we dont serve food in here"..

[LadyBaroque]

A little boy is sitting on a park bench eating candy. A man comes up and says little boy, all that candy is bad for you. Little boys says my grandpa lived to be 100.
Man says did your grampa eat candy? Little boy says no, but he knew how to mind his own freaking business.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

*groans at this page of jokes*

[LadyBaroque]

What do you get when you put 100 sows and 100 bucks in a pen?

A hundred sowsandbucks.

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

The Amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, under the Big Top in the center ring was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male 'part' and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later, the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same, now faded, sign that read 'Don't Miss The Amazing Italian'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing male 'part'. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be!"

[LadyBaroque]

$50 is $50

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year. Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'.

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out, since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times."

The husband thinks this is a great idea...he writes back to his wife that if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times. :tongue:

[slaveinstockings]

lol

[simpleton]

Everyone on earth dies and goes to heaven God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! The other line had only one man. Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are." The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it, you old fools." One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! - Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, "You're 87 years old!" Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[simpleton]

Two nuns were driving along a road when a vampire jumps out in front of them. One nun says to the other "Quick show him your cross" so she winds the window down and shouts "Get out of the way you goofy twat".

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

Company Memo
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


Company Memo
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty


Company Memo
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!


Company Memo
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
Joan

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. 'May I help you sir?' she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied..

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam. 'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'. The man replied, ' Ontario '. 'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

'I know,' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[DaisyDay]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances or voluntary action. While attending a Marriage Encounter weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor suggest, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, smiled, and whispered confidently, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, right?”
… and thus began Walter's life of self-imposed celibacy.
:whip2:

[sensitiveman]

After on fight my gf told me that the quickest way to a mans heart was through his rib-cage.

I said: "Yes, with the knife she picked up from the KITCHEN!"

Then the fight started.

[cjc007]

Short-sighted Doctor: Got some good news and some bad news for you, sir.

Patient: Give me the good news first, Doc. Will ya?

Doctor: Well, you won't be needing to use Viagra anymore.

Patient *smiling happily*: Wow, that's awesome, Doc. That'll save me a fortune on those little blue pills. What's the bad news?

Doctor: Well, um, eh ... we've had to remove your, em, didgeri-doo-das, Mr Jones.

Patient *horrified*: What?! OMG! ... OMG! http://i513.photobucket.com/albums/t340/jamestkirkesq/MFD-b/OtherSmilies2/crying-smiley.gif OM? ... but wait a minute, doc. I'm not Mr Jones, I'm Mr Smith.

Short-sighted Doctor: Ooops, another balls-up ... I really do need to get new glasses.

:lol:

[cjc007]

Fred: So, Joe ... you really gonna get your foreskin removed?

Joe: Yep, the wife says she now prefers the stream-line look. And as you know, Fred ... I'll do anything for my darling Snookums.

Fred: Yeah sure. But come on, honestly ... don't it bother you ... even just a little bit?

Joe: Why should it, buddy ... 'it's no skin off my back'


*grooooan* :)

[cjc007]

Q: Hear the one about the insatiable wanker who couldn't cum until after he'd had a pee?

A: Drinks 300 Litres of water a day.


Q: Hear about the guy who couldn't pee until after he'd had an orgasm ... who recently discovered T&D and is now into it big time?

A: Hasn't had a pee in weeks. Oooohhh!!!

:)

[cjc007]

Q: What did Captain Kirk do when he got unlocked from his chastity device?

A: He boldly came where no man had cum before.

Oooh, that was bad! :)

[cjc007]

.
...http://i513.photobucket.com/albums/t340/jamestkirkesq/CPM/batman_catwoman-5_Caption-1.jpg
...............A Dark Knight ... Denied!

[cjc007]

Warning. This one makes no sense at all. :icon_biggrin:

Crazy guy walks into a bar...


Guy: 3 bananas please.

Barman: Sorry, sir. We don't do bananas.

Guy: Ok then, I'll have a cheese and tomato pizza.

Barman *raising an eyebrow*: This is a drinking bar, sir!

Guy: Oh, right. Can I have a hot dog with lots of mustard?

Barman *growling*: Look, dude. Choose a drink or leave!

Guy: Mmmm, ok. I'll have a Happy Meal then.

Barman *ready to explode*: Listen, buddy. I don't know what your problem is. But get the f*** out of my joint before I...

Guy: Ok, no sweat, dude. Just make the pizza, hot dog and Happy Meal 'to-go'. And hold the bananas, will ya?

Barman *grabbing a baseball bat*: Certainly, sir. Would you like to pay for your order now ... or after you get out of hospital?!


Guess the moral of the story ... if there is one ... is ... if you're crazy and want a Happy Meal. Go to McDonald's! :)

[neil4u]

Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
drug for depressed lesbians.. It's called Trydixagain

[cjc007]

Q: What did the the dickhead who was into OD say when he was allowed to cum after 2 years of denial?

A: "Wow! ... that's a 'load' off my mind!"

[Four_Inch_Heels1]

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+Tourist: $5.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $15.00

+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning!"